I recently asked a wise friend of mine what the opposite of control was. His answer, although it caught me off guard, upon further reflection made perfect sense. Serenity. When I'm in control (or trying to be) I don't have time to be serene. Not to mention the fact that my attempts at control (especially over events and people) will tend to meet with frustration (if I am honest with myself and not in denial). With enough coercion and manipulation I can exercise some control over others, but such behavior is definitely not conducive to serenity.
control - to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command; to hold in check; curb.
What I find even more interesting is that officially, according to the thesaurus, the opposite of control is helplessness, letting go or powerlessness. In 12 step programs, we pray for the serenity to accept the things we cannot change. The first thing I am asked to accept, and arguably the most important aspect of myself to accept if I am to have any hope of recovery, is my powerlessness. Over my disease (my addiction), over other people, over life in general and my life specifically. As an addict I try to control everyone and everything around me, but always I am forced to face the reality that I cannot control anything, including my own thoughts and behaviors, never mind anything outside of myself.
The most common consequence that results from a need to control everything is frustration. Because it really is impossible to control everything, no matter how strong my desire to prove otherwise. The harder I try, the more I deny my past failures at control, the worse my frustration. Which makes my need for control even more desperate. Which leads me into a vicious cycle which I used to use drugs to escape from. Since that is no longer an option, I find it much less painful if I just avoid the entire cycle in the first place.
frustration - a feeling of dissatisfaction, often accompanied by anxiety or depression, resulting from unfulfilled needs or unresolved problems.
A commonly held definition of insanity is repeating the same actions and expecting different results. Only through strong and persistent denial am I able to believe that I actually control anything outside of myself. Which makes it very difficult to see my insanity because I really believe I was in control in the past, therefore I don't realize that what I want to happen in the future (again, I believe) has never actually happened in the past.
denial - disbelief in the existence or reality of a thing.
The cause or reason for my denial is my overwhelming desire to believe that I actually am in control. The Buddha says that desire is the root of all suffering. When I desire for reality to be a certain way, instead of just accepting it the way it is, suffering is inevitable. The longer I deny the true nature of reality, the greater the suffering.
Sometimes, when I am feeling particularly sorry for myself, I will start to believe that it is my fate to suffer. That no matter what I do, what decisions I make, suffering will be the inevitable result. According to the I Ching - an ancient Chinese text commonly attributed to Taoism - this belief will actually create this fate. According to Carol K. Anthony in her modern reworking of the ancient classic, Fate is a Cosmic Harmonic and it is the Cosmic reaction to any thought or deed that disturbs the harmony of the whole. Negative thoughts that suggest I am incapable of making healthy decisions disturb the harmony of my true self - and by extension, the cosmos as a whole. She says that destiny is a word that describes the true purpose of an individual's life in a body, to bring to maturation his true self. Provided enslavement or imprisonment to various fates can be avoided.
The purpose of Fate is to get me out of my head so that I can pursue my destiny. A fate runs it's course when I am able to do this, or when I die (possible when I am fated to do so). Embracing my true self, and losing the fear the arises when I lose my center frees me from fate's heavy burden.
fate - something that unavoidably befalls a person; fortune; lot: death, destruction, or ruin.
destine - To determine beforehand; preordain: To assign for a specific end, use, or purpose:
destiny - the predetermined, usually inevitable or irresistible, course of events;
I can have faith and believe that I have a purpose that involves more than just pain and suffering. I have discovered that it is too painful not to have this belief. Not having this faith to draw upon creates fates that I would not rather be burdened with. Surrendering (not fighting) to my fate, frees me to see my destiny manifest itself in my life.
manifest - Clearly apparent to the sight or understanding
manifestation - outward or perceptible indication; materialization:
“Fate is for those too weak to determine their own destiny.” — Kamran Hamid
“Fate is nothing but the deeds committed in a prior state of existence.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
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